Most of my editing is spoken-word: I talk directly with authors and leave no paper trail. But sometimes I save evidence. Below are eight examples. These edits/rewrites are more dramatic than usual; by and large I tread lightly. (Please note that the comments in green reflect my private thoughts; what I said to the authors was far more tactful and encouraging. Also, the copy flavors vary to suit the authors and the audiences.)

1. Opening paragraph for a chapter in the Sunset Western Landscaping book:

Before:
On the western slope of the Rocky Mountains, just a stone’s throw from the Roaring Fork River, Angela and Jeremy Foster tend their garden in front of a vintage, 100-year-old log cabin. [< So? Also, do you need the word "vintage"?] The couple, originally from England, incorporated some of the flowers they grew in their homeland, but [< Why “but”?] the result is a vibrant mix of Old and New World styles. Rustic bowers and bird feeder give the garden an authentic country charm. [< Do you need "authentic"?] A venerable [< What does “venerable” look like?] apple tree shades the front of the cabin in summer and arches over parts of the south-facing garden. [< So?] Perennials such as lilies, phlox, and Maltese cross combine [< cross combine?] with wild flowers against a backdrop of blue spruce trees. Roses, regal lilies, and lavender perfume the air. [< Paragraph too long. And what’s the true subject and point of this piece? We need a central point and purpose right up front.]

After:
On the western slope of the Rocky Mountains, just a stone’s throw from the Roaring Fork River, Angela and Jeremy Foster have created a high-altitude garden that beautifully reconciles Old World influences and New World realities.

2. Spread introduction in an Art.com catalog.

Before:
The posters you hang on your wall are more than just decoration. They are also a reflection of your tastes and pleasures. They can remind you of the music, movies and activities that helped make you who you are today — and they reveal your passions to the visitors you invite into your home. [< If this paragraph appeared on page 2, as a general manifesto for poster art, it would be merely dull and obvious. But it appears on an interior spread with only music posters, so the copy should cover music.]

Final Text:
Morrison or McCartney? Zappa or Zeppelin? Whatever your musical passions, unleash them on the world with posters that celebrate rock milestones, rock culture, rock life! They’re the best way to enjoy your favorite bands without getting phone calls from angry neighbors.

3. Spread introduction in a AAA travel catalog.

Before:
The great capitals of Europe are cities you can visit again and again, and always be longing to return for more. These packages, created exclusively for AAA members, let you stay in luxurious accommodations and take in attractions you surely won’t want to miss. [< This copy is dull, predictable, and just plain faulty. For example, the word “great” before the word “capitals” begs the question and bullies the reader: it’s not a fact that the capitals of Europe are great. Also, “the great capitals of Europe are cities” is redundant. And who says that a person can visit these cities again and again, and always be longing to return for more? Presumptuous. The word “surely” is presumptuous, too, and it sounds desperate.]

After:
The capitals of Europe offer deep history, delicious foods, and sightseeing wonders that inspire even the most seasoned travelers. With these packages created exclusively for AAA members, you’ll discover each city by day and bask in luxurious lodgings by night.

4. Executive biography. (Some details I’ve changed to protect the person’s identity.)

Before:
Maureen Sanders has been at the forefront of the direct marketing industry for 20 years. [< She’s been working for 20 years. I doubt she has led the industry for that whole time.] She brings [< Brings to what?] a wealth of experience [< “wealth of” is a cliché] based on strategic marketing and creative development work for hundreds of companies — from kitchen table startups to some of the nation’s most recognized brands. [< This sentence sounds like hooey. A few examples would help.] As an agency founder, author and frequent speaker for the Technology Marketing Association and other trade association events, Maureen is a well-respected contributor in the retail and marketing industry at large and brings a sterling reputation to any team. [< Non sequitur: second clause doesn’t support first clause.] She is an effective collaborator [< Says who? And why should the reader care?] who provides the highest-quality integrated business solutions [< What exactly is a “highest-quality integrated business solution”?] to each client she has the privilege of serving. [< This bio is vague and generic. You deserve something specific.]

After:
For 20 years Maureen Sanders has led strategic marketing work for scores of clients ranging from Sony and Toyota to Peet’s Coffee and Boudin Bakery. Today her marketing agency employs 38 people who use Maureen’s signature methods to simultaneously build brands and meet sales targets. Over the years Maureen has written over 50 articles for trade journals, and she frequently speaks at industry events. If there’s a common strain in her work, it’s a penchant for results. As Maureen is fond of saying, “If it doesn’t sell, it doesn’t work.”

5. Opening paragraph for another chapter in the Sunset Western Landscape Book:

Before:
“My garden is eclectic — an extremely lovely blend of colors and textures,” says Dan Heims of his garden in Portland, Oregon. Flowers and big-leafed perennials conceal the roadside drainage ditch between the garden and the street. Japanese maples wall out the traffic. And inside this mini-forest is a peaceful retreat packed with Helms’ favorite plants. [< Why should the reader read this? Where’s the hook? What is the point? Let’s try a problem/solution opener. Also: The opening sentence sounds boastful, and not like something a person would say.]

After:
In many “eclectic” gardens, a seemingly artful mix of plants often devolves into a jumble. But in his Portland garden, Dan Heims has created a blend of colors and textures that keeps its shape year after year.

How does Heims orchestrate his plantings so well? . . . [etc.]

6. Introduction to the Smith & Hawken gardening catalog:

Before:
Author, organic gardener, and iconoclast [< The word “iconoclast” begs the question, and the iconoclast angle is never developed.] Eliot Coleman is a man [< redundant] of vision and strong opinions [< Neither “vision” nor “strong opinions” is supported with evidence] — all of which we have benefited from over the years. [< Em dash should be a comma.] As tool advisor to Smith & Hawken, his function has not been to praise or endorse [< wordy] — but rather to comment, criticize, and inform. [< Em dash should be a comma.] Part expert, part consumer advocate, Coleman has helped to keep us on track — ensuring that only what’s useful and necessary to the gardener finds its way into the tool sections of our catalog. If Coleman has a driving philosophy about the role of tools in gardening, it is that he favors bio-logy over techno-logy. In other words: keep it simple. [< Who says that biology is simple?]
[This first paragraph is vague and ponderous, and it doesn’t flow well, mainly because all of the sentences begin with leading clauses.]

[Transition from previous paragraph?] Many of you may be familiar with Coleman’s first book, The New Organic Grower. [< So? What about it? Also, there’s no clear bridge between these two sentences. >] Coleman carved his first farm out of 40 acres of hardscrabble Maine soil, which he transformed into a thriving, fertile piece of land [< “piece of land” is dull] that still produces vegetables of unsurpassed [< “unsurpassed” sounds like hype and can’t be verified] taste, color, and abundance. Today Coleman and his wife, noted garden writer/landscape artist Barbara Damrosch, live on that farm in Harborside, Maine, where he holds the title of President of the vegetables, and she is President of flowers. [< Interesting, but too cute for us.] Some of their commentaries are sprinkled throughout this catalog. [< Why are they sprinkled here? What’s in it for the customer?]

You will also find Coleman’s latest book, Four Season Harvest, along with many of the tools he has helped us to select, amend, and perfect. [< So?]

After:
Eliot Coleman, master grower, garden writer, and Smith & Hawken’s tool advisor, carved his first farm out of the Maine bush in 1968. Although he had no background in agriculture, he soon began producing vegetables regionally famous for their taste, color, and abundance.

Twenty-five years later, Eliot’s still at it. Decades of work and close observation of natural systems have taught him many things about organic gardening and sustainable agriculture. In his latest book, Four Season Harvest, he shares many of these findings. In this catalog, he and his wife Barbara Damrosch, landscape designer and author of The Garden Primer, share some more.

Eliot and Barbara weigh in on composting, tool care, integrated pest management, and seed saving. They speak from deep experience and with voices unsquelched by agribusiness interests. We hope you find their tips as useful as we do.

7. Opening paragraph for a sidebar in the Smith & Hawken gardening catalog:

Before:
If you look through any collection of books on organic gardening, there is a common thread. All of them sing the praises of compost. So exuberantly do gardening authors extol its virtues that one begins to flip through the pages thinking, “Enough superlatives on this compost stuff already, now tell me your secrets for successful gardening.” The idea that a simple, stacked pile of kitchen and garden waste can turn into the best possible garden fertilizer seems too easy. We assume there must be something more. But compost is the secret. Nothing else comes close. In fact, one-year-old, well-decomposed, dark, crumbly compost is such a miracle product for growing healthy plants that if someone tried to sell a soil amendment that claimed to do every thing that compost does, we wouldn’t believe it. [< Long. Repetitive. Slow to develop. Let’s unearth the lede.]

After:
The idea that a pile of kitchen scraps can turn into the best possible garden fertilizer seems too easy. There must be a catch. But there isn’t. One-year-old, well-decomposed, dark, crumbly compost is such a miracle product for growing healthy plants that if someone tried to sell a soil amendment that claimed to do every thing that compost does, we wouldn’t believe it. Fortunately, you don’t need to buy compost. You can make it in your own backyard. And yes, you should believe the praise heaped upon it by every organic grower.

8. Opening paragraph for another sidebar in the Smith & Hawken
gardening catalog:

Before:
Go into a good gardener’s shed and the tools tell a story. Wrap your fingers around the handle of a well-maintained tool and you can sense the history of the garden. Tool care bespeaks quality work almost as if generations of wise teachers were communicating through the wood, the metal, and the refinement of design. Tool care also enhances the efficiency of the tool. [< I like the “tool as story” angle, but the sentences don’t flow well, mainly because the first three sound like opening sentences.]

After:
If you enter a good gardener’s shed, the tools inside will tell you a story of pride. They’ll be clean and sharp and polished in all the right places. The gardener maintains tools this way because a pampered tool helps turn intention into action.